


The Rock that is higher than I

by randomdestielfangirl



Series: Season 12 coda fics [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Hints of Alley Sex, Kissing, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post-Episode: s12e07 Rock Never Dies, Season/Series 12, Self-Hatred, Well may a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 19:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8726476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomdestielfangirl/pseuds/randomdestielfangirl
Summary: Cas bites his lip and shrinks into the wall, away from Dean’s touch.  
“We’ll fix this Cas, I promise.”    

  I’ve heard the stories. You help. But Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes.





	

“Well we didn’t catch Lucifer but we saved the crowd so I’m going to call it a win.” Dean announces.

Cas doesn’t agree.

“I wouldn’t. Vince Vincente is dead.” Neither does Sam apparently.

“We never even hoped to save him. And yes I know, the third album.”

“No, he was still a person. And he meant something to a lot of people. And Lucifer just took all of that and just twisted it up and snuffed it out. Lucifer was bad enough when he had a plan, a motive.”

Cas wonders if Lucifer ever had a plan. From the little he has seen of him, Lucifer has only ever behaved like a spoiled child acting up, desperately seeking their Father’s attention.

Well his brother did get the attention, which is more than _he_ ever got from their mutual parent.

“I mean, how many people died tonight?” Sam continues, “Them, this? It’s all on us. _We_ let him out. We’re not winning. We’re just losing slowly.”

Sam is right. They are losing. Because of him.

“And we will stop him. We will.” The determination is Dean’s eyes is painful to see. “It’s what we do man.”

There’s a silence after that, all of them turning to look at the chaotic scene behind them. Cas feels the heaviness in him grow. He wants to leave, to get away from Dean and Sam and Crowley, to drive his stolen truck into the night and not have to think for a while.

“Well I’ve done enough charitable work today.” Crowley rasps, “I’ll see you later, Feathers.”

He vanishes and Cas turns to leave as well.

“Cas wait.” Dean grabs his arm and tosses his keys to Sam. “I need to talk to you.”

Sam raises his eyebrows but says nothing, heading toward the Impala. Dean waits till Sam has driven off before walking briskly away from the ambulances, dragging him into an alleyway a little distance away. It’s dank and dark and smells of rotting garbage. Cas finds himself staring at the graffiti on the walls.

“Talk to me.” Dean says gruffly. “Something’s off about you.”

Cas trains his eyes on his shoes. The floor is littered with cigarette butts and used condoms. It’s vaguely disgusting.

“Cas?”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.”

“What do you want me to say, Dean?” He’s getting more frustrated by the minute. “I failed again. Like I always do. More people have died because _I_ let Lucifer out of the cage.” He can feel his voice rise higher. “And for what? Because I was stupid enough to take a chance I had no business at all taking, considering everything I’ve done before. Everything I touch turns into ash. Every decision I’ve taken has been a bad one in hindsight. I’ve killed hundreds of people and angels, each time believing I was doing the right thing. I belong nowhere. My siblings hate me, my Father has never even registered my presence, the Devil is loose upon the earth because of what _I_ did.”

“Cas-”

“Enough.” he says and stomps off, but Dean grabs at him again and drags him back, shoving him back into the wall. Dean looks angry too.

“Listen to me.” Dean says, but Cas shuts his eyes and turns his face away.

_I know what a weak, duty-bound, pleasure-less dullard you are._

“Cas this is not on you. _We_ let him out. _We_ needed him to defeat Amara. Chuck wouldn’t have been able to— We needed all the help we could get.”

His Father. The Father in whose kitchen he had been ripped to shreds by archangels, the Father who he had searched fruitlessly for months, the Father he had prayed to and longed for every moment of his long life. The Father who didn’t even acknowledge him in the end. Because he had only eyes for Lucifer.

_He finally apologized for abandoning me._

_He needed MY help... and he’d say anything to get it._

His Father had not needed Cas’s help. Unbidden, Ambriel’s words come to him.

_I look good in a trench coat too, and we're both expendable._

Cas bites his lip and shrinks into the wall, away from Dean’s touch.  

“We’ll fix this Cas, I promise.”    

_I’ve heard the stories. You help. But Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes._

“Cas?” Dean sounds pained, his voice soft. “Look at me, man.”

Cas forces himself to open his eyes. Dean looks worried, his green eyes dull.

“Look.” Dean whispers, “I know, better than anyone, what it feels like to know you’ve fucked up.”

He raises his palms and carefully holds Cas’s face between them.

“But we’re family, Cas. We’re there for each other. You stood by me and Sam when no one, not even God bothered to. You’ve always taken the fall for the mistakes we both made. So you made a couple of your own. It doesn’t make you a monster, Cas.”

Dean steps forward a little more. His lips brush gently against Cas’s own, soft and inviting. Cas shudders into the kiss as Dean wraps his arms around his shoulders.

“I’m here, Cas.” Dean says into his mouth, “Trust me.”

“I do.” Cas whispers back, wrapping his own arms around Dean’s leather clad waist. “I always do. You’re the only one I can.”

Dean’s arms tighten around him as they deepen the kiss.

He doesn’t really believe the pretty platitudes Dean is spouting at him, but he can’t stop himself from reaching for them like a man dying of thirst. Cas lets himself be distracted by the scent of Dean, the feel of his soft lips, the warmth of his hands. Momentarily, it’s a reprieve he’s too weak to resist.

_So sure, maybe we're not super important, but we do the job. You know... I think there's nobility in that._

_That would be enough_ he thinks, the last coherent thought he gets as Dean begins to suck at his neck, his knee bumping against Cas’s, his warm hands slipping under Cas’s coat.

_That would be enough._


End file.
